Why do we choose relationships with complex people
Building a happy and harmonious relationship with a loved one is one of the basic spiritual needs of each of us. However, the people who succeeded are always in the minority. The rest can only share a list of sad stories about unhappy love, disappointments and unjustified hopes. At the same time, the heroes of the novels succeed each other, and the scenery and script remain the same. Life seems to pass by, and the belief that a worthy chosen one meets on the way fades away every day. Many are sure that failures on the love front overtake them, because good people in society are practically extinct. This is actually not the case. Just letting “good” into our lives is prevented by deep psychological attitudes. What attracts the “wrong” partners to us, causes the effect of deja vu in relationships and how to break this series of unsuccessful novels, you will learn by reading this article.
The same relationship problems: what are the causes
It is sometimes difficult for all of us to build relationships. It is almost impossible to meet “that one” person without passing the tests. Some partners were given to us not for happiness, but for experience. It is noted that people who, coming out of destructive relations, draw conclusions, are more likely to have a happy future than those who regularly “dance on the rake.” Figuring this agricultural inventory at the heart of a painful relationship is not accidental, as is the choice of a partner who brings suffering. And all because initially in the concept of “love” we mean what it is by no means. In addition, erroneously artificially imposed criteria of true love are often flashed into the human subconscious, having nothing to do with a mature feeling.
For example, many tend to think that Mexican passions must be present in relationships between lovers, as in movies, in novels, in poems and songs. And if they are not, the relationship is inferior. In fact, under the breathtaking passion and obsession with man lies a tendency to co-dependence, which always ends in disappointment, the collapse of expectations and resentment for an unfulfilled dream.
Psychologists distinguish three types of attachment.
According to statistical studies, only a third of the population experiences this type of attachment. You will recognize and remember such a person: he is cheerful, friendly, easily converges with others. The key to a harmonious relationship for these people is in comfort and mutual respect. They do not experience a painful state of dependence on a partner. They are pleased to have an object of love. At the same time, such people do not lose their sense of freedom, since they completely accept themselves and others without obligation and claims. Conflicts and problems in relations with them are rare. And disagreements are resolved through a constructive dialogue without mutual reproaches and insults.
For people with this kind of affection, it is vital to feel absolute closeness with your loved one. Ideally, completely merge with him. They are very quickly and strongly attached to a partner, they are psychologically dependent on him in many respects. They are characterized by obsessive and restless thoughts about how strong the partner’s love is and whether it is likely that he can stop loving. Often, anxious attachment is derived from low self-esteem and self-doubt. On the basis of this internal conflict, a person becomes irritable, incredulous, too demanding, which significantly complicates the relationship. The other extreme is lack of will, obsession, and blind sacrifice, which will never be appreciated. The result is the realization of the worst fear. The partner loses interest in such relationships and, not wanting to carry a heavy burden, leaves.
This is the most dangerous type of behavior. It is typical for people who have in the past a negative experience of love relationships or a deficit of parental love. Therefore, in order to avoid new disappointments and pain from love, people of this type choose not to become attached at all. This is the antipode of the second group, however, such tactics do not make an anti-dependent person happy. He is extremely uncomfortable when they need him or there is a “threat” to become attached to himself. The reaction of self-defense becomes arrogance towards people as opposed to themselves. As a rule, the self-esteem of such people borders on narcissism. Such tactics have certain “bonuses” that a ignoring person skillfully manages. For example, it takes advantage of a partner with an anxious type of affection. This is a typical variant of sadomasochistic relations of co-dependence of the “tyrant-victim” format.
Why do I choose complex people
Description of the behavioral patterns of representatives of these groups makes it possible to predict what a person is guided when looking for a mate.
People with a healthy type of attachment are in short supply in the “relationship market”. In addition, for life, they often choose their own kind. If a representative of the second or third group comes across their path, a break with him will not be too painful.