Love lives three years? Stages of relations and how to prolong them
After the release of Frederic Begbeder’s novel “Love lives for three years”, this phrase is used as truth, it has already been reflected in more than one work of art, and even some psychologists agree with this. It is difficult to disagree, because the author of the novel argues his hypothesis with hormones that support a person’s sense of love. But after three years, the level of hormones returns to the former, consciousness comes back to normal and “love” as it never happened …
But, apparently, most fans of the theory did not read the book to the end, where the hero himself strongly doubted the correctness of his views. But what about real life, where we love to talk about the treasured three years of happiness? Are such feelings truly sincere and have the right to be called “Love”? Let’s try to figure it out.
True love is a gift that is given to us by fate, and we, by our human nature, are not able to fully realize its value. Yet psychologists are accustomed to distinguish several stages of the relationship:
1. Stage of love. The best and easiest in terms of interaction between people. Its second name is “candy-bouquet period”. We see and show only the best sides of the personality.
2. The period of “cooling”. Usually falls in the second year of a relationship. Gradually, lovers begin to show all facets of character, learn to get along with each other in various situations. And if people really fit together, then friendship is added to love.
3. The most difficult and important milestone. It falls on the third year and is accompanied by the alienation of partners. Here, an understanding of what kind of person is in front of you, whether you really love him, comes into play. And if these are real feelings, then this stage is definitely not the last in your joint history.
It is about the third stage that the debates of psychologists and physiologists of the world most often go. But it should be understood that love is not a pure “waltz” of hormones, it is something more that people cannot understand, they can only feel.
Physiology of love
Scientists who have studied the phenomenon of love have agreed that the brain controls love and feelings of a person. When love begins, at the same time 12 sections of the cerebral cortex are activated, which provokes the release of biochemical substances into the blood and forms an attachment to a person. It is believed that as soon as this activation takes place, the person is less interested in his partner. This is where the phrase “love lives for three years” came from, the theory of which is that over time the lovers cease to bring each other pleasure to the extent that was at the origin of their relationship.
At the first meeting, the body of both people secretes special substances – pheromones, which are transmitted through the smell. Each person has such a set is unique and, if it is mutually suitable for both partners, love arises.
The next step is the release of the hormone dopamine, which causes a feeling of satisfaction and forms a feeling of love, including maternal, by the way. Adrenaline, cortisol, phenylethylamine are also added to this hormonal cocktail, which physiologically manifests itself in accelerating the heartbeat, shortness of breath and even dizziness.
The culmination hormone in this process is serotonin – the hormone of happiness. The mood rises and fills the feeling of absolute happiness. That is why we strive to constantly see our loved one – with his presence, the entire mechanism described above works, and we are happy. And when the period of separation sets in, we get nervous and are mostly in a depressed mood, because then the stress hormone cortisol comes into play.
Such intense work of the same areas of the brain cannot last forever. It is quite debilitating for the nervous system and over time, the production of hormones in such quantities gradually goes into decline. This process coincides with the three-year boundary of relations.
If people really suit each other, then after this surge, a stable psychological attachment of partners is formed. And this is a deeper, much more complex and surprisingly reliable mechanism. After three years, people already feel different about their partner. If the relationship is harmonious – love does not go anywhere and some hormones are simply replaced by others.
For example, an increase in the release of endorphins, which, in combination with an oxytocyte, cause a feeling of calm, pleasure and love.
How to keep love?
Pure physiology and psychology is certainly good, but how is this “stable attachment” formed, and, in fact, how to avoid parting after three years?
The first thing you need to do is to realize whether the person next to them is “the same” and whether the partners see a common future on their future life paths. The question should not be “how to extend the feeling of falling in love?”, But “in what form will our relationship develop further?”.