Phrases that ruin your relationship
Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words … will ruin our relationship.
Have you ever put off discussing a difficult topic with your partner, because it will inevitably lead to screams and slamming the door? Have you ever said something in the middle of a conversation that unintentionally (or perhaps deliberately) angered your partner? Have you ever finished a conversation with a feeling of frustration, inaudibility, incomprehensibility? You are not alone; communication and conflict resolution is hard work. So severe that 40-50% of marriages end in divorce in the United States, according to the American Psychological Association. However, lack of communication is only part of a failed relationship. Sometimes the way you communicate (or not communicate) is a real cause of conflict.
Below are five “trigger phrases” that are likely to upset your partner more than you think. Useful tips for improving the choice of words are included.
1. “Always / Never”
“You always forget to feed the dog. I did this every day this week. ” “You never want to have sex. I don’t know why I’m even trying. ”
When you quarrel with your partner about anything – from dog food to sexual intercourse – avoid using “always” or “never” to exaggerate your outrage. It may seem harmless, but these words carry a significant amount of constancy, which can make your partner feel that you are attacking his personality as a whole, and not a single incident or problem. By telling your partner that he never helps or that he always spoils, he minimizes the efforts he puts into relationships and can cause feelings of guilt, helplessness, underestimation or disappointment.
Build a conversation by focusing on future results that you would like to achieve, rather than scolding your partner’s past actions. Set aside a time when your partner will pay full attention to the problem, and begin by sincerely thanking him for his contribution to the relationship. Be straightforward about what you want or don’t want, without requiring or making your partner feel inadequate.
“I really appreciate you walking your dog every morning. He loves walking with you! It would not be difficult for you to put him food. So many things are happening to me that I do not have time to do everything. Maybe we can share our business: I will prepare breakfast, and you – dinner. How do you like the idea? ” Tell your partner that you want to change the order of things, rather than stomping it on something.
2. “Calm down,”
“Relax”, “cool down”, “do not be so sensitive”, “you react too sharply”
By telling your partner to calm down, you are hinting that his emotional response in the situation is wrong.
The worst thing you can do in a relationship is to tell your partner how to feel. Maintain the feelings of your partner, regardless of whether you think his reaction is too sharp or not. Remember that the feelings of your partner are his feelings, not yours. No matter how well you know someone, you can never fully understand how an individual brain processes information and what emotions a particular person experiences. Your partner has the right to express any emotions he experiences without judgment, criticism or external interpretation.
Something that seems trivial to you can make your partner completely hysterical; past experience, previous relationships, and social conditioning contribute to different views on the same situation. His / her feelings of fear, anxiety, anxiety, sadness, discontent, anxiety, anger or disappointment are real emotions that require recognition and understanding.
A great way to dispel a hostile confrontation without discrediting your partner’s emotions is to ward off (like a mirror) or ask why this question provokes such emotions. Most often, emotional reactions stem from a lack of a sense of audibility, understanding and recognition. You do not need to apologize for the inevitable situation (for example, coming home late when you had urgent matters at work) or even agree with the emotional reaction of your partner; however, you can alleviate the feeling of discomfort by letting you know that you are listening and understand where this emotional disorder comes from. If possible, redirect the conversation at the moment and suggest moving on.
“I understand that you are saddened by the fact that I remained identified at work and did not call / la. Next time I will send a message immediately if I know that I’ll be late. Tell me how the day went, let’s have some tea. ”