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Fear of developing a relationship

In the old days, at the time of knights and brave warriors, great things were done for the sake of happiness to be with your beloved together. Young hearts challenged the wishes of relatives and the demands of society. For the sake of happiness, to be together renounced titles, wealth, inheritance and other privileges. In our time, to be together, to be husband and wife, is also a feat for many. But the feat is not in the struggle against society and its conventions, but in the struggle against oneself.

There is a stage in my work when a candidate passes a test interview. Among the many questions regarding the qualifications and professionalism of the candidate, there are also general questions aimed at determining life principles and seeing oneself in this world by this person. Among them there is the question “What was the most difficult decision you made in your life?”. The answer to it involves defining the candidate’s liability ceiling. The most surprising thing is that in 60% of cases in men it was a decision to marry. Among women there were also such answers, but their percentage is much lower.

I asked the candidates why, but a person could not always answer this question right away. Some did not understand why I had a question at all, because this is so obvious.

I want to say that I did not take into account those who were already married and doubted whether to marry a second time. Since the negative past experience is a separate issue that requires a separate study. Also, cases where it is impossible to resolve the situation due to conflicting circumstances (different countries, religion, difficult living conditions) or lack of feelings are not discussed. Here we are talking about people who have no previous experience of married life, who do not have external barriers, but who have been given a difficult decision to marry their loved one or who have not yet decided to take this step.

“Do you understand that this is for life?”

“Now everything is fine with us, so why change something?”

“Love breaks into family life. I want to keep love and avoid the collapse of feelings. ”

These are not all answer options, but these are the main groups. If we consider all cases, then everywhere in the root cause we will find fear, ordinary human fear, an innate defensive reaction. When something new happens in the life of each of us, something that we have not yet encountered and about which there is no information in the form of past experience, this protection mechanism is triggered. To make a decision, we “pull up” all the information we have from this area. It is this information that transforms our fear of the unknown either into a sweet anticipation, or into a panic fear of an expected event.

In this situation, fear has two directional vectors. The first is aimed at myself (I can not meet the expectations of the partner / I do not trust myself, in the sense of the correctness of my own choice). The second is directed externally, it is the fear that the partner will not live up to our hopes and expectations, or that marriage as such will not bring new and good things to life. Any change in our life involves the improvement of some aspect in it. It is the uncertainty that marriage will improve our lives, and gives rise to a whole bunch of fears, doubts, etc.

Lack of freedom and complete freedom of choice
As you know, in earlier times, marriage was more economic and political in nature. The tragedy was that people who loved each other could not be together if their union was not beneficial to strengthen the financial situation or nobility of the family. And feats were accomplished, and tragedies happened that were chanted in songs and remain to live in parables, legends and fairy tales.

Even in the days of our parents’ youth, the culture of marriage was widespread. Our parents were not afraid to marry, they created a “healthy cell of society.” A society, environment, country called for this. Perhaps all this had the character of propaganda, but it gave young people confidence that “this is a good thing” and there is nothing to be afraid of. Of course, it could not do without “intimidation”, because extramarital affairs were extremely condemned and could affect the position or completely deprive of work. Fear or doubts about marriage were blocked by a stronger fear – the fear of becoming an outcast of society.

Now it’s rather a curiosity when parents enter into marriage-deals between their children. We are free to choose and can combine our destiny with a loved one, there is no need to perform a feat. Our position and salary are not affected by whether we are married or not, whether we intend to start a family or wish to remain in a state of search. Now the feat is to make an offer or agree to it. A feat to create a family. What is it? The law of contradiction, when the forbidden fruit is sweet, and what is available loses its appeal?

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