If separation is inevitable
Any relationship initially carries the risk of separation. And love is no exception. Is there just one desire “to be together happily ever after” to maintain a relationship? What if separation seems inevitable?
When the two are well together, when the relationship fills each other, brings pleasure, enriches the life of a man and a woman, they don’t even have a thought about separation. Or not?
The inevitability of separation can manifest itself even at the beginning of a relationship, when one of the partners feels insecure, is afraid to lose the other, is afraid that he will be stopped loving, abandoned, deceived. Especially if the previous experience was unsuccessful or most of the relationships were short-lived.
When the “pink glasses” fall off
Even if partners trust each other, believe in a shared future, sooner or later there comes a moment when the “pink glasses” fall off, when the period of merging with each other, a joint experience of unity, integrity is replaced by the stage of establishing differences (differentiation). From a single “we”, the boundaries of the “I” of each of the lovers begin to emerge. What used to attract a loved one can begin to repel, annoy. Deficiencies appear with a vengeance. The stronger the euphoria of love, the brighter the beginning of the relationship, the easier it is to break up, and the couple can break up.
The likelihood of separation is often enhanced not so much because of each other’s flaws discovered, but because of differences in values. If a man and a woman look at such values of a couple differently, such as a joint future, family, children, fidelity, responsibility, distribution of finances, etc., then separation may indeed seem inevitable. The most common examples are:
a woman wants to get married, a man wants an easy, non-binding relationship;
a woman wants children; a man is not ready;
one partner is aimed at a serious, long-term relationship, a family, the other does not want to bind himself and deprive himself of freedom in love affairs;
one of the partners shows an addiction (alcohol, drug, computer, etc.), the other does not want to put up with it;
the couple has become a “love triangle”; how to be is unknown;
feelings have cooled, sexual desire has disappeared;
serious financial problems, including unemployment.
All these examples have a common link: one partner is steadily aimed at something, for the other it is unacceptable, while there is a common past and, despite all the difficulties, the desire to be together remains. One way or another, a well-known contradiction arises in the pair – “parting or holding”.
Any relationship is not cloudless, they will always have something that suits, as well as something that causes a desire to move away from a partner, and possibly leave.
Each person has their own individual criteria and values, however, there are a number of common points that will help make a decision in a difficult situation of choice.
About the price of relations and pay for them
How many people know that even in the most destructive relations (co-dependent, “triangular”, etc.) there is a secondary benefit? There is what you get from the “bad” behavior of a partner. It can be material wealth (a chic gift out of guilt), and emotional benefits – a sense of superiority, increased self-esteem, a sense of power over a partner (“you should not drink because you are an alcoholic, but I can afford a glass of good wine, and I won’t be anything ”). Often the price of a relationship is not recognized, but the strength of its influence is very high.
The same goes for the board. Whether we realize it or not, we always pay with something important for ourselves – health, freedom, quality of life, personal interests, as well as self-confidence, getting that attitude, the love that we really need. We can convince ourselves that we can do without it, which is so good, but deep down we hope desperately: “someday he will understand, appreciate and love me for who I am,” “he will say those words that I took so long I’m waiting ”,“ will make an offer ”,“ will leave my wife (mistress) to me ”, etc.
Relying on dreams, illusions, and not on reality, it is very easy to miss what is really happening in a couple, what we really get in a relationship, and what is not, was not and is unlikely to be, although it is very painful to admit.
Two questions to make a decision
If now you are in a difficult situation of choice, if your relationship is at an impasse and you are suffering between “leaving” or “staying”, try to answer the following questions:
what do I get in these relations, how are they beneficial to me, such as they are, with all the difficulties and problems?