Major Relationship Traps
What do we “catch” when we are building relationships with a person whom we so want to consider our soul mate? Probably, like our smaller brothers, for something tasty. But the tastes often do not match …
Trap # 1: I want it to be like mom and dad
How did I fall into this trap? From the perspective of a 10-year-old child with an idealized perception, the relationship between parents seemed to me the most correct. More truly, I precisely believed in it. She believed that when she grows up, I will have exactly the same thing as mom and dad: my husband and I will love each other, I will command, my husband will fulfill what I decide, we will solve everyday problems together, buy in a loan is necessary things, it will go fishing on weekends, and I will arrange gatherings with friends, we will give dinner services to relatives, we will go to sea every year and much more …
The list of cases, which, it seemed to me, would be important and correct in my relations, could still be supplemented and added, but this turned out to be a waste of time. Having entered an independent life, only a few months later I realized that I was trapped.
My husband was not as executive as dad, and I did not like to command. He did not like fishing, and I did not have friends. We rarely visited relatives, and, as a rule, they already had several sets, so the issue with a gift was not solved as easily as I imagined. And we didn’t go to rest for two years of our life together – the born child was very young, and besides, the issue of buying a car was on the agenda.
My ideal picture of the relationship did not overlap with the real one. Moreover, I realized that my husband has certain and very clear expectations from me. According to his scenario, I had to iron absolutely all the linen down to the socks, as this disinfects the clothes and so did his mother. I had to cook food strictly twice a day and not repeat the same dish twice. I should not have worked at all, or my position could not have been higher than his. Actually, the picture was a little wider than I described, but this is not so important. The main thing is that this situation was unsettling, frustrating, weakening and even more complicated. The limitations of my and his ideas about relationships needed to be urgently expanded. I constantly wondered how to do this, preserving the relationship …
Exit. As they say, a question will appear – there will be an answer. Different literature began to catch my eye about roles in the family, about the uniqueness of each person. For about a year I read books, reread articles and publications in magazines, searched for interlocutors who would help expand my understanding of the family, and millimeter by millimeter got out of the trap of other people’s beliefs, other people’s roles and an absolutely foreign picture of the world.
And the changes began: conflicts, heart-to-heart conversations, which sometimes ended in beating dishes, sometimes – leaving with a slammed door, tears and persuasion. And yet we survived … My husband and I managed to create our own desired scenario of relationships, development of events and rules. Yes, it was not at the “carved in stone” level, but the fact that we were able to change our idea of relationships, even by a little bit, was already bearing fruit.
Trap # 2: Doing Nothing, or Sitting Waiting for a Miracle
The period of restructuring the desired relationships in the family is over, the conflicts over what the wife should be and what the husband should do have subsided. Began a happy family comfortable life. We expected that it will always be such – now simply because we understand where, what relations and what goals we want to come as a family. Strange, right? Indeed, when each of us gets a job, he is aware that we need to work to get a salary, and every day. And if the actions that brought success yesterday do not work today, they must be urgently changed. If I choose career growth as my goal, then I mark the steps of the stairs, which are simply necessary to pass, and I act every day. But career growth or business is as much a part of our lives as personal relationships. Here you can put an equal sign. In private life, it is the same as in business: if you do not improve daily, then you stand still or, even worse, roll back. If in business you rely on a well-developed plan and just sit there waiting for the result, checking your e-mail, most likely the month will not be too pleased with the results.
Recently I read a joke about the law of getting what you want in any endeavors.
How to make money?
Take a chair, put a dollar under it, sit on a chair.
The task is to take this dollar.
The solution is to get out of the chair and raise the dollar.
The meaning of the “exercise”: to make money, you need to raise the fifth point from the chair!