Why is it difficult to build relationships, rules for building a dialogue
Almost every day we run the risk of finding ourselves in a situation where we cannot really hear and understand our interlocutor, but he cannot hear and understand us. But what if this particular person was our fate? Simple rules of dialogue will help you not to lose it.
Every day and every hour, on weekends and weekdays, regardless of the weather, political situation and economic situation in the world, people, men and women meet and part, bringing and leaving in each other’s memory and souls either a wonderful feeling of unearthly magical joy, or a bleeding wound of doom and misery. Someone luckier – he becomes happy, someone less. But the question of the emergence, development, extinction and termination of relations between a man and a woman leads us to the question of the relationship of a person with a person without determining and highlighting his gender.
Relations between people arise in the interaction, that is, in communication. We have been taught from childhood how to communicate with other people: to be nice, polite, smart, erudite, cheerful. We learn common conversation topics, etiquette and behavior. We know how to make a pleasant first impression and become an excellent conversationalist. But no one ever tells us about how, in fact, communication between people occurs. And following the style of communication that was once assimilated once, we risk finding ourselves in a situation where we cannot really hear and understand our interlocutor, and he cannot understand us. What if this particular person was the embodiment of our dreams, our soul mate, our destiny?
Let’s try to characterize the main problems of communication between people in terms of the concept of dialogue.
Problem 1: Exactly what is considered natural is least appropriate for man.
I often hear the phrase “These are my real friends (my true love) from different people, because we immediately liked each other (felt mutual sympathy, kindred souls). Our relations arose by themselves and are developing naturally. ” I relate to this with a fair amount of skepticism. The authenticity and sincerity of human relations cannot be judged by whether they arose easily or had to make efforts to build them. Relationships need to be worked on: create a plan, translate an intention. Sometimes it is painstaking and long work. It may seem hopeless, ungrateful, endless. But in the end, we get exactly the quality of relationships and with those people that we wanted.
The opposite position is infantile in nature and only consoles us with the illusions that our desires will be satisfied instantly and by themselves. When entering into relationships with other people, you need to clearly understand that constant efforts will be required of us. The fruit of these efforts will be the joy of experiencing the immediate proximity of another person, from discovering his world and recognizing himself. But there is no “by itself” here and cannot be. The mechanisms and psychology of communication have to learn. And for this you need to understand how, in fact, communication takes place, and be prepared for the constant work of peering at another person. It’s a shame, but it is predictable that one of us can refuse to get closer to another person in general, believing unnatural, wrong relationships in which we need to invest in ourselves: our feelings and emotions, our thoughts and time, our energy.
Problem 2: “If I came up with you, become what I want.”
But even “naturally occurring”, as it seems to us, relationships often do not promise us happiness. It is no secret that the basis for all actions performed by people is the desire to satisfy certain needs. Today, all our needs are socialized, that is, acceptable ways to meet them are clearly defined by the norms and rules of behavior adopted in the relevant social circle. We can realize our needs only through communication with other people, and education is aimed precisely at ensuring that each person has a clear image of who and how can help him in this. Examples and tips from parents and friends, movies, books, and the media serve these purposes.
In practice, this means that, for example, a young girl, when there is a need for love, will look for a person with absolutely certain qualities, moreover, most often these qualities are not determined by her by common sense, but are a rather contradictory mixture of ideas about the ideal husband of her friends and relatives . Instead of building relationships with the living people who surround her, our heroine will languish according to a nonexistent ideal, narrowing the already small circle of communication in our fast-moving life.
But the situation is much more dangerous if it nevertheless meets a person at least remotely corresponding to her ideas. Instead of a real person, she risks communicating with an image that exists only in her imagination. So the living tissue of interaction between people is replaced by automatisms.