Talk about a difficult relationship
If something in the family’s behavior doesn’t suit you in your partner’s behavior and, in your opinion, he can fix it, you need to discuss this with your partner. Right. And if the partner leaves the conversation? And if the conversation goes after the conversation, the partner seems to agree, but the question is not resolved? If the relationship with each conversation deteriorates, but you can’t leave them alone?
Suppose a husband is a workaholic, from morning till night he is busy making money, arrives home late, tired and no, even after drinking a little after business meetings in a restaurant … His wife asks him to stop this, persuades him, he promises her, but asks for quite a bit more wait – and everything goes on forever. Or, on the contrary, the husband is lying on the couch and does not plan to make money at all, because there is no work for him at all and he is generally depressed: what should I do with him? There are many other similar situations: the wife spends hours and days watching TV shows and does not follow her figure, her husband sits at night at computer games and does not help in raising a child …
These are all situations where “talking in a good way” is no longer effective, scandals are pointless, but even getting divorced seems not entirely justified. What to do? Write a letter or have a conversation in the format of “Talking about a difficult relationship”.
Talking about a difficult relationship is a conversation scheme when it’s impossible to talk good: the partner leaves the conversation over and over again. Perhaps the partner is in difficult feelings, maybe he has a difficult situation, a fact for you: he is not very disposed to the conversation, but for you the question is important and you are ready for a lot of results. Sometimes a lot of things, including breaking up relations in case of failure of this conversation.
One of the solutions to such issues is to write a letter. Through writing it is much easier to convey to a person their position in the correct form without unnecessary negative emotions.
In this case, the letter must be written in several stages:
First write a letter with the emotions that you now have in your soul. Express everything you think about this, but don’t send the letter, put it aside for now.
After some time, when you cool down, take out the letter and rewrite it again, removing all unnecessary emotions and leaving only the essence. If possible, show this letter to a friend so that he appreciates its correctness.
We can point out the traditional mistakes in such letters. See if you can make the letter shorter: as a rule, most letters can be made shorter by a third. It is necessary to remove all accusations and reproaches, including indirect and hidden ones (double check!); remove the long (especially recurring) statement of problems, as well as all sentences with sentences of a general (not specific) nature. “Let’s support each other” are common words.
A well-prepared letter is much more likely to convey your position to a partner than a conversation in a hot head. A plus of the letter is that it is read and re-read about 5 times. And if in a conversation the partner could simply miss some of your words, then in the letter he will see and remember everything.
If you decide not to write a letter, but to have a conversation, then first prepare for it, think about what you want to say, and best of all write down all the important points in writing. That is, in essence – still write a letter, just do not send it.
If you are afraid of a difficult conversation and do not dare to start it, to remain silent is the most stupid thing. What is there to do? You have at least three options: still start talking, write a letter and contact the intermediary. See details →
In any case, you need to start the conversation competently, that is, not with the problem and your difficult feelings. In order for the partner to hear you, and then want to go forward, you need to start with a good one and correctly pack your feelings, building your conversation as described below. Scheme:
Opponent “immobilize” (if the conversation is live. In a letter – irrelevant).
Find out if there are any wishes or CLAIMS TO ME
Strong statement of the problem with a clear vision of what I want in the REQUIREMENTS format
Negative consequences, ULTIMATUM
MY HELP \ my contribution
Future joy, OUTLOOK
Maintaining agreements, GROWING GROWTH. Continued
As an example, consider the situation “The husband works too much.”
Love. The beginning of the conversation should show that, despite everything that happened, you are still with a partner, and not against him. The first phrases should sound love, the desire to be together.
“I want to tell you that you are dear to me.” You are so alone with me, and I want to be with you for a long time. I love you!
Understanding. Be sure to say that you understand the behavior of the partner. Your difficult relationship did not start from scratch, and he had reasons to act like that. At the same time, it is important that your words do not have reproaches and accusations.
“I know that you work so hard because you care about us.” You want everything for me and the children, you feel responsible for it.